Baby Blanchette

I started feeling sick around the last week of February. I didn't even think about the possibility that I might be pregnant. I thought I had the flu. On March 1st, I was sitting on the couch with Sam feeling crazy nauseous and the thought hit me, "What if I'm pregnant?" Without telling Sam what I was doing, I went upstairs, took a pregnancy test and when it was positive I started crying. I came down the stairs and Sam asked me what was wrong. I handed him the test and he said, "Two lines is a baby?" It wasn't one of those moments like we'd had with our first pregnancy where we jumped up and down and were so super excited that we were going to have a baby. I think that what both of us were feeling was scared. We were both scared that we were going to have to say goodbye again and I think we were both afraid to feel happy. I didn't even go in for the "official" test that the hospital makes you take in order to get assigned to an OBGYN for a few weeks. When I did go in and the test came back positive, I still didn't get that feeling of joy that I had with my first pregnancy. Then I began to wonder what was wrong with me. Why wasn't I overwhelmed with joy? Why wasn't I shouting it from the rooftops.

I was afraid.

I didn't want to get attached to the little one growing inside of me and I was afraid I wouldn't get to keep it.

I began to read everything that I could find about what others who were in the same boat as I were going through. The general feeling that I got was that it was normal to be feeling this way. Especially if you were pregnant again soon after a miscarriage. You are afraid that you will have the same thing happen. You are afraid to go to the doctor because you don't know what they will tell you.

I could barely sleep the night before our first doctors visit at 12 weeks. I was extremely nauseated all day, every day, and that was the only thing that kept me from freaking out entirely. I had come to the conclusion that if I was sick, I was pregnant and as long as I stayed sick, everything was okay.

Sam and I met my midwife and had the opportunity to hear the baby's heartbeat. It was such an incredible moment. Then we got to see our little baby for the first time. I don't know what I expected to see, but I remember being afraid that there would be nothing there, just like when we were in the hospital. Instead, there was a baby. A baby. Not a blob, but a baby. It was moving and wiggling. Both Sam and I started to cry. It was one of the most incredible feelings that I've ever had. I was going to be a mother. That was the moment when it all became real to me.

Trials

In October of 2011, I found out that I was pregnant with our first baby. We were so excited. I was already feeling incredibly sick in the mornings, and we had our first doctors appointment scheduled.  On Nov. 5 I began to feel really sick. I had a sore throat that kept getting worse. We finally ended up in the emergency room where they declared that I had strep throat. Instead of giving me pills, they gave me a penicillin shot. By the next morning, I had broken out in a horrible rash and my mouth was swollen and covered in sores. I went back to the ER where they declared that I had an unknown allergy to penicillin and was having a reaction. I was incredibly worried about the baby at this point because I didn't know what was going on in my body. The doctor told me not to worry and that babies are very resilient.

A week later, on Nov. 11, I woke up with a feeling that something was different. My stomach hurt, but I realized about halfway through the day that the nausea that had been with me everyday was gone. I told Sam that something was wrong. About 6 o'clock that evening I realized that I was bleeding. We returned to the ER where they did an ultrasound. They didn't find anything, and we should have been able to see something with us being 7 weeks. At that point they told us that I was having a miscarriage. It was heartbreaking to know that we weren't going to be seeing our baby for the first time in just a few weeks, or hear it's heartbeat.

We hadn't told very many people that I was pregnant so we didn't have very many people to tell. I never made an announcement on Facebook, because I didn't want the sympathy. While people were very kind, it was hard to hear people say "That happens more than we realize," or "I had a miscarriage too," or even "Well at least you know you can get pregnant." I don't know what the appropriate thing to say in this instance is, but those aren't it. They don't help. I think "I'm so sorry. We will pray for you," or "You are in our thoughts," are easier to take.  Fortunately my husband was willing to let me rant and rail and cry it out until I was able to focus on other things.

I found several articles that just give little tips and advice. The first one are things you should NEVER say to someone who has had a miscarriage. I heard some of these and I can tell you that it was not pleasant to hear and on days when I was feeling my lowest, they were hurtful. I know people weren't trying to be hurtful, but in their ignorance, they didn't realize that what they were saying could hurt.

10 Things Never to Say

The next one are some things that you could say. A couple of them I wouldn't recommend, because they were hard for me to hear, but I especially like # 9 and #10. I wish someone had brought me dinner. Or asked me for a girl's night out to get me out of the house and out of my brooding mode. Even just going for some ice cream or a walk would have been nice.

10 Things to Say

It is a reminder that everyone handles grief in their own way. Maybe one way to help is just to ask someone what they need, or how they are feeling and really listen. I got the most sympathetic ear from the doctor who had to call and let me know that my blood work had gone back down to 0. She was so incredible and when I started crying on the phone, I felt like she was there giving me a hug. I had never even met her. Just spoke with her on the phone a few times.

Having a miscarriage feels like the end of a dream. You will never bring that child home, however there is healing. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints brings with it a knowledge that our families are forever.

I found comfort in a talk by President James E. Faust, a member of the First Presidency of the church.

Hope: An Anchor of the Soul

I prayed and prayed to have an experience like the sister in this talk did. I wanted to feel peace and comfort. I finally received it, on the day that I was set apart as a temple worker in the San Diego Temple.

I was set apart and given a blessing. In the blessing I was told that the Lord knew of my trials and my heartache and that He was aware of my desire to be a mother. I was told that my husband and I would be blessed with the desire of our hearts as I served faithfully in the Temple. I was also counseled that as I served others, my grief would be lessened. 

I found this counsel to be so incredibly true. As I began to serve in the Temple, I began to better understand the compassion and the tender mercies of the Lord. I found joy serving others, and I would find myself not focusing on my heartaches. It was the best thing that could have happened to me at that time in my life. My husband and I were blessed! We found out at the end of February, 2012 that we were pregnant again. 

Disclaimer

A few months ago I realized that my blog had completely disappeared. It didn't show up when I logged in and when I sent an email requesting help, I got back a note that said that the blog had never existed. WHATEVER BLOGSPOT!

I was really disappointed that all my work on it had been wasted, but fortunately I kept a log of what I'd put in and talked about. It's not the same, and now I'm speaking in past tense, but it will still function until I can get all caught up!

San Diego Life

Moving to San Diego was a bit unnerving, because we didn't know anyone there. I had lived in AZ for 5 years, and had a wonderful network of friends. However, I knew that this was the next step on our new journey.

Sam got settled in at the hospital. It was an interesting transition from having him be gone all the time to him being around occasionally. I was really, really bored. I had been working 2-3 jobs since I graduated from college and the last year of teaching at GCA had me coaching 2 sports and the drama club. Up until the last day of school I was incredibly busy. I knew that finding a teaching job in CA was pretty much not going to happen for many reasons. The school term had already started and there were over 400 teachers in the San Diego school district alone that were out of a job from the previous year, just from pay cuts.

Fortunately, I had sent in my resume to a charter school at the right time. They were needing to replace an Activities Coordinator and I had a degree in Education. It was a perfect fit. I began to work at High Tech Middle School. It was a good fit and I really enjoyed the people that I worked with.

Sam was put on the night shift while he trained. He would leave at 5 in the evening and get home around 8 in the morning. He then slept all morning. I usually saw him for about an hour before I had to leave for work. He worked every other weekend, so we only got occasional time together, but I was so happy that he wasn't deployed.

We had our first Christmas in our own place. Sam isn't big on decorations, but he humored me and let me do what I wanted. We decorated our tree to Christmas music and I was able to put up some of the crafty things that my sister Amber had given us.

We went to my sister's house for Christmas eve dinner. It was nice to have them only an hour away. 

Military Service

2 weeks before we got married, Sam joined the U.S. Navy. He was sworn in and left for Boot Camp on April 13th. He spent 2 months at the Great Lakes Base in Chicago, IL, before transferring for 3 months down to the Naval Base in San Antonio, TX. I had the opportunity to fly up to Chicago to see him for a few hours in between Boot Camp and A School. I then made several trips to see him while in TX. It's a 24 hour drive. I listened to several books on tape and was grateful for Sirius XM radio!

We spent the day at Sea World

Feeding the Dolphins

Japanese Garden

Finding things to do on Sunday in San Antonio was difficult because you had to pay for mostly everything, but the Japanese Garden, located right across from the San Antonio Zoo, was open. It was very beautiful and very peaceful. 

It was hard each time saying goodbye to Sam, to make the long 2 day trip back to AZ by myself. I was so glad that the last time I made the trip it was to pick him up and bring him home. We were already packed up and we drove to our new home in San Diego. 

New Life

We weren't able to take a honeymoon right after our wedding because of work and school, so during Spring Break, we headed over to CA, to spend some time at Disneyland.

We were there for 3 days and went on every single ride that was open. Our favorites were the Indiana Jones ride and Pirates of the Caribbean.

Wedding Day

The night before our wedding, I had a really hard time sleeping. Most people would say that this is completely normal, but the reason I couldn't sleep was because I was sharing a bed with my sister, and my dad was snoring really, really loud. I tried going into the bathroom to sleep, but that didn't work either. Finally about 6 that morning I gave up and got up to get ready. It took forever to do my hair, because I'd decided to do it myself. I'm not a hair expert by any means and I didn't really know what I was doing, but it turned out pretty good. The problem was that it took me so long to get ready, we were a half hour later getting to the temple than what we had planned. We were still on time for everything, but Sam had been their a half hour early, so he had been waiting for me to show up for a good hour. 

I am so grateful that I was sealed to my best friend for time and all eternity. This was the best decision that I have ever made in my life. I love him dearly. 

We were so happy to have our friends and family together to witness our special day. People traveled from Arizona, California, Montana and all over Washington just to be there. Sam's dad and step-mom were there, as well as Sam's mother, and his best friend. All of my siblings, my parents, and my best friend attended too. 

Having DJ and Jennilee as our best man and maid of honor was really special because they both had to travel to come and see us. I was very glad that they were able to share our day with us. It wouldn't have been the same without them. I especially love that Jen came, considering her newborn was only a month old! 

My 4 siblings and I rarely are all together in the same place. I was living in AZ, Amber is in CA, Timothy is in WA, and Breck and Brock were going back and forth from ID. I loved having them and their families there. 

Picture Time 

After pictures we all headed to Applebees where everyone had lunch and good fun. My mother made a little cake for us to enjoy on our wedding day.