A week later, on Nov. 11, I woke up with a feeling that something was different. My stomach hurt, but I realized about halfway through the day that the nausea that had been with me everyday was gone. I told Sam that something was wrong. About 6 o'clock that evening I realized that I was bleeding. We returned to the ER where they did an ultrasound. They didn't find anything, and we should have been able to see something with us being 7 weeks. At that point they told us that I was having a miscarriage. It was heartbreaking to know that we weren't going to be seeing our baby for the first time in just a few weeks, or hear it's heartbeat.
We hadn't told very many people that I was pregnant so we didn't have very many people to tell. I never made an announcement on Facebook, because I didn't want the sympathy. While people were very kind, it was hard to hear people say "That happens more than we realize," or "I had a miscarriage too," or even "Well at least you know you can get pregnant." I don't know what the appropriate thing to say in this instance is, but those aren't it. They don't help. I think "I'm so sorry. We will pray for you," or "You are in our thoughts," are easier to take. Fortunately my husband was willing to let me rant and rail and cry it out until I was able to focus on other things.
I found several articles that just give little tips and advice. The first one are things you should NEVER say to someone who has had a miscarriage. I heard some of these and I can tell you that it was not pleasant to hear and on days when I was feeling my lowest, they were hurtful. I know people weren't trying to be hurtful, but in their ignorance, they didn't realize that what they were saying could hurt.
10 Things Never to Say
The next one are some things that you could say. A couple of them I wouldn't recommend, because they were hard for me to hear, but I especially like # 9 and #10. I wish someone had brought me dinner. Or asked me for a girl's night out to get me out of the house and out of my brooding mode. Even just going for some ice cream or a walk would have been nice.
10 Things to Say
It is a reminder that everyone handles grief in their own way. Maybe one way to help is just to ask someone what they need, or how they are feeling and really listen. I got the most sympathetic ear from the doctor who had to call and let me know that my blood work had gone back down to 0. She was so incredible and when I started crying on the phone, I felt like she was there giving me a hug. I had never even met her. Just spoke with her on the phone a few times.
Having a miscarriage feels like the end of a dream. You will never bring that child home, however there is healing. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints brings with it a knowledge that our families are forever.
I found comfort in a talk by President James E. Faust, a member of the First Presidency of the church.
Hope: An Anchor of the Soul
I prayed and prayed to have an experience like the sister in this talk did. I wanted to feel peace and comfort. I finally received it, on the day that I was set apart as a temple worker in the San Diego Temple.
I was set apart and given a blessing. In the blessing I was told that the Lord knew of my trials and my heartache and that He was aware of my desire to be a mother. I was told that my husband and I would be blessed with the desire of our hearts as I served faithfully in the Temple. I was also counseled that as I served others, my grief would be lessened.
I found this counsel to be so incredibly true. As I began to serve in the Temple, I began to better understand the compassion and the tender mercies of the Lord. I found joy serving others, and I would find myself not focusing on my heartaches. It was the best thing that could have happened to me at that time in my life. My husband and I were blessed! We found out at the end of February, 2012 that we were pregnant again.
